Income Tax Cocktail

1.5 oz Leopold’s Gin
0.75 oz Dry Vermouth
0.75 oz Sweet Vermouth
0.50 oz Freshly Squeezed Orange Juice
2 Dashes Angostura Bitters

Add all ingredients to a mixing glass.
Stir with ice and strain into a coupe.
Garnish with an orange twist.

* * *

This drink is from the Savoy Cocktail Book, and it is a Bronx with bitters, which is fair enough – new drinks have been created on shakier foundations.  Ted Haigh says that “the bitters add another dimension to the construction, and with correct measurements… and the fresh-squeezed juice, it is memorable and delicious.”  Which, in a nutshell, is pretty much everything there is to say about the Income Tax, except that, on tax day, one or two of these may be just the thing.

In the meanwhile, here are some weird tax deductions we purloined from the interwebs.  We won’t vouch for their accuracy, but they’ll provide some much needed tax day relief, nonetheless.

  • A man with a failing furniture business tried to deduct the $10,000 he paid an arsonist to burn down his store.
  • Stripper Chesty Lover successfully deducted the cost of her 56FF implants.  They were considered integral to her stage act.
  • Forget medical marijuana.  If you can get a doctor to write you a prescription for a swimming pool, it may be tax deductible.
  • Bodybuilders can deduct the body oil they use to make themselves glisten in competitions.  (If only I had known this years ago).
  • A man tried to deduct the cost of his wife’s mink coat.  Because she wore it to dinner with clients, he deemed it a conversation starter and part of the evening’s entertainment.
  • A lawyer claimed $100,000 spent on prostitutes and porn as medical expenses in an effort to improve his osteoarthritis.
  • Fearing a tax evasion charge in addition to a drug bust, a dealer decided to report his illegal earnings and pay taxes on them.  The expenses he claimed in the operation of his illegal business, however, were denied.
  • A successful business man tried to deduct $50,000 in entertainment expenses – namely, the cost of his daughter’s wedding.
  • Owners of a dairy successfully deducted an African safari, claiming that the study of wild animals was germane to their business.
  • A man hired someone to sit with his dog on a daily basis, then tried to claim a day-care tax credit.  He was denied.
  • A Spanish language teacher tried to deduct the cost of his television and his monthly cable bill, insisting that he only watched Spanish programming in order to be a better teacher.
  • A man in Louisiana called a tax hot line asking how to depreciate an ostrich.  Turns out, it was a fair question, as livestock used for breeding can be depreciated.
  • A CPA once kept a fishbowl of random receipts in his office.  If clients were short of deductions, they could just reach into the bowl.
  • An old man lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet and tried to claim them as an act-of-God casualty loss”.
  • Clarinet lessons were deemed a permissible deduction because they had been recommended by a doctor to lessen the pain of an overbite.
  • If your child is kidnapped, you can still claim them as a dependent until they are eighteen.
  • Just because you have a home office, doesn’t mean you can deduct your toilet paper.  Many have tried.
  • When her husband cheated on her, a woman gave away everything he held dear and tried to claim it all as charitable donations.  Her accountant took it as far as he could – to the legal maximum – and swore the return would be audited.  It never was.
  • A woman wanted to get rid of trees on her property.  She had them appraised, donated them, and successfully deducted them.
  • An elderly woman claimed a tenant as her nephew and a dependent for three years.  Of course, she also failed to report the rent he paid her over this time.
  • Another elderly woman, who had been prescribed to take dancing lessons by her doctor, tried to deduct over $50,000 in lessons, gowns, and cruise trips for her and her twenty-year-old “instructor”.
  • A man (I’m assuming) asked his accountant to deduct a donation he made at a sperm bank.  He filed for a “depletion allowance”.
  • A woman (I’m assuming) tried to claim $2,000 in gynecologist bills as “business repairs and maintenance”.
  • Any business convention held in Bermuda can be written off without even showing there was a special reason to hold your business meeting there.  The same goes for Barbados, Costa Rica, Dominica, the Dominican Republic, Grenada, Guyana, Honduras, Jamaica, Saint Lucia, Trinidad and Tobago, Canada, Mexico and all U.S. possessions.

And, yes, we wrote off all of our readers as dependents.


2 responses to “Income Tax Cocktail

  1. I dream of getting to the point where I can write off the booze as a business expense and my bar as a “home office”

  2. Well, you can deduct booze from your taxes… if you write about it… how great is that??? I had a good chuckle for tax day… many thanks.

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